And what’s funny about this little one-sided dialogue [not a monologue, exactly; more like a halfalogue] between me and BK is

I work out.

that I actually started craving omitting the standing poses and just focussing on the Sirsasana and Sarvangasana cycles. Crossfit and my very first proper run [well, jog/lurch] is no doubt contributing to that. So I’d been holding off and holding off and trying to be disciplined and you know me, letter of the law until complete rebellion/nervous breakdown…and voila, weeks 19-21 begin with and focus on a Sirsasana/Sarvangasana cycle, then there’s abs, backbends, Chaturanga [from the ground d'oh], forward folds very reminiscent of an abbreviated Primary Series. I hadn’t even looked and here Iyengar had my hearts’ desire written down in advance. COINCIDENCE??!?! The inexorable logic of body, perhaps? Going to the gym first for what looks like a punishing rowing series, then a mysterious lift I’ve never done before, and then I’ll try this new adventure [if my limbs are still attached].

UPDATE: Went to try to find a less cryptic pic for this post and there are very few Sexy Yoga Skinny Pinup shots of Parsvaika Pada Sirsasana. It’s all just scanned shots of BKSI looking pissed and upside down. I leave the conclusions of this note as an exercise for the reader.

- I was not at all surprised to hear/read about John’s behaviour, although I had not experienced any of it first hand.

- It’s bad logic to conflate a person, a hatha yoga method, a company, a brand, another teacher, and your experience of the class or workshop.  Admittedly, it’s hard to parse out the different bits, but it’s just bad logic is all.  I apologize if I have done this, I’m pretty sure I have, but I tried not to.

- It’s also bad logic to theme*[see update below], and maybe this is where the trouble started:  Qualities of heart may be demonstrated in the physical body but they may not be.  Similarly, dedication to community or love should not be used as sticks to beat business decisions and legal trademarking decisions into otherwise good-faith teachers.  I apologize for doing this, on any level.

- I am a fully dues-paid Anusara Inspired™©® teacher right now, although I plan to let my license expire at the end of this year,

yes, this is an old picture

because as anybody who knows me or reads this blog knows I have been over the Anusara Yoga organization for a while now, after having been so disenchanted by way of the certification process that I knew I did not have a home there.  I’m actually sort of surprised that this should need restating.  But I also do not see the urgency in resignation, as my Inspired license does not demand anything from me that I find compromising, and I am endeavouring to not fuel the bad logic mentioned above in conflating the tools and training with The Man.  Maybe if I was certified it would be different, I can’t speak to that.

- I’m not sure you will notice that many differences between my teaching before the Anusaga and now.  I don’t chant the Invocation right now because it puts memories of training with John in my body and I don’t want that.  But there’s nothing wrong with the Invocation.  It’s a modern Western melody for a solid old mantra.  I choose the way I teach because I am watching to see what works, for me and for you.  Anything that doesn’t work will be discarded.  Anything that works will be retained.  Brands are irrelevant.  Legalese is irrelevant.  People think I’m upset about John and I’m not [see above].

- I chose to study this method for a reason and many of those reasons still stand, even though I am leaving the *organization*.  As M said, “Anusara was the closest thing to what you do” and so maybe it’s just time to do what I do.  It spoke to very essential and deep places in me that I still believe and have felt since I was a child, and therefore I remain basically bemused at the drama that surrounds it.  Mind you, I have had time to cultivate the emotional space away from the organization, see above.

Any questions?

UPDATE:  This was unclear.  An idea, concept, unifying vision or focus for class is great.  I mean explicitly linking the physical body and its capacity for action to the most grand purposes of practicing yoga.  I think we all know when theming is good it’s great; but when it’s faulty it is tedious at best and abusive at worst.

This is very bad science because I’ve also been adding OTHER things to my physical practice, notably Crossfit, which has been tremendous in its power, simplicity and punishing intensity.  Of course I’m doing like the training-wheels/water-wings forms of everything, whereas normal looking people walk in while I’m purple and panting and do what I’m doing times a million, but there it is; I’ve never done most of this stuff before and quite frankly it’s good for your soul to be taught, sometimes.  So it’s hard to know how much of my recent wellness is due to B.K. or due to his energetic inheritance by way of CF [there are dowels!  but not for whacking].  But I didn’t quit!  It’s just not having the dramatic intensity of growth it did at the beginning, because, well, that’s nature and math for you.

What I do feel is power building under the surface, which I like, because in a culture and community pretty heavily invested in the surface I’d rather be the tsunami growing thousands of kilometers offshore.  I am not so into the forward bends to be honest; that part feels spoken for more than adequately [and I'm not sure I get Mahamudra having read it about eight or nine times, what I'm supposed to be experiencing remains opaque][which is what I get for going this alone without an experienced teacher, yes yes, I get it] and I’m still [Still!  I have like 3 drafts] not ready to write thoroughly about the abdominal exercises, but they’re fine and fun and are feeling strong; BK lets us know that if you can hold Navasana for a minute you have a strong back, and I can go about 50 seconds before the wheels come off, so that’s not too bad for a twin-delivering scoliosis sufferer.

This'll never play in Peoria

I think that one of the really key insights came about from simply focussing on the standing poses for so long and approaching them in a number of different ways.  Some days I’d be very traditional, very clean and curt with myself, tough, thorough and timed.  Other days I’d apply John’s teachings in the “textbook Anusara” way, and some other days I’d just hold the form and stretch.  About once a week I wouldn’t time myself but all the other practices I did [I want to keep symetrical timing in my body for teaching].  This synthesis of approaches seemed just perfect:  the body seems to respond well to a mix of penitent, rebel and artist!  And then about a week ago, after doing one of those walk-around-the-house-randomly-stretching-and-twisting-to-work-out-tension-of-unknown-provenance [which hasn't happened in a long time, mind you] I decided to just go maverick and practice the way I used to, just free, just moving:  Sivananda-style surya namaskar, lotsa pigeon, lotsa thigh stretches and [*gulp*] Urdhva Dhanurasana.  And it was just the thing.  But it was just the thing for *that day*, and the next day I was back to wall balls, overhead squats and double-unders.

Maybe we [a fancy yoga word for "I"] forget the athletic context of modern asana.  Bikram was a weightlifter, and Mysore Palace was a haven for gymnasts and otherwise hale young creatures intent on moving more freely within the context of being hale and young.  I don’t think this disparages what we do at all; unlike the pious purists, I’m able to sample a hot beat and battle-rap on top of it while still paying royalties on the record.  The past weeks have taught me that there is simple power in the body and you have to work hard to have a transformation, which I think I’ve written about before, but it never hurts to be reminded.

*BK’s placement of this twist at this point is brilliant.  Not that he needs my approval but dang.  After alla that leg building and intercostal/serratus emphasis by way of the epic Sarvangasanas I had an adjustment doing this twist that should have registered on the Richter scale and I’ll tell you, nothing’s quite been the same since then.  It works if you work it.

This was some challenging laundry

1.  Bananas

2.  Yams [roasted whole and pureed]

3.  Peas

4.  Broccoli

5.  Tofu

6.  Those Baby Mum-Mum biscuits than turn into ineradicatable mucilage the minute they come within 6 inches of an infant, which makes me wonder whose bright idea they were, but so anyways.  And also, why do they come in individually foil wrapped packs of two AND THEN ALSO in a big plastic pack?  The packs of two make sense, the additional plastic pack not so much.  Just saying.

7.  Hippie Krisps.  That’s what I call those organic rice krispies and that’s how they are labelled in my iPhone grocery autocomplete list.  A First World triumph.

8.  Hippie Os [see above]

9.  Carrots

9a)  They had bacon and eggs this morning.  Bacon and eggs!  Well, just R had bacon.  He sucked it translucent and bloodless and looked at me like “Why have you been holding out on me all this time, woman?”  He then held it in his cheek pocket like a lardon and used it to flavour the remainder of his meal.  I hate eggs, at least the yolks, so I was interested to see what the result would be [result:  totally fine]

10.  Apple

11.  Pear

12.  Butternut squash [another one of M's epic roasting projects, scooping out bits for the kids]

13.  Kale

13a)  Quinoa.  This is just them macking on my lunch, if you must know, and you’ve read down this far so clearly you must.

14.  Blueberries

15.  Zucchini.  Was epic fail the first time and then has been acculturated in.  When R is reticent about food I dip my finger in some BBQ sauce and give it to him, and then shmear the BBQ sauce in the rest of his puree and he’ll worry it down no matter how unpleasant, truly his father’s son and his uncle’s nephew.

Bruce Lee shirt!

16.  Rolled oats

17.  Pork ribs [just R, hence the BBQ sauce above.  He's got 4 teeth to H's zero, so he's a bit more of a carnivore and parentvore]

18.  Brown rice

19.  Plain yogurt [H gave me this face like "Srsly?  Srsly" and that was the end of that]

20.  Green beans.  Still the all-time low, the St. Louis Rams of baby food.

*insert appropriate pithy epigram here*

Another great Teacher Intensive weekend has come and gone and, as all fruitful studies should, it answered some questions and then asked a whole host of others. One of the portions I found the most powerful was our round-table discussion on when and if political material should ever be included in class. As expected, the responses ran the gamut from “good Lord, no, are you kidding? that’s the most inappopriate soapboxing/proselytizing misuse of your teaching energy, ever” to “I love hearing it in class and it connects me to the higher purposes of practice”. And also as expected, the responses to teaching technique have a great deal to do with the context of the class and studentship. I mean, the C word is the one that just keeps deluging me lately: it’s like an even shorter of that excellent Facebook bit that started showing up and going viral a few years ago: “Everything is changing. Everything is connected. Pay attention”.

Since I seem to have garnered the reputation for being so political, even though my own political studies are ham-handed and infantile at best, I thought I’d use this post as a way of explaining why I’ve been drawn to political concepts in recent years and how, if at all, they might harmonize with practice.

I find it fascinating that we [Canada/Vancouver] have transitioned as a yoga community from “you can’t tell anybody what to do, ever” to “you should always clearly tell people what to do with their bodies, but for God’s sake don’t ever tell them to do anything else with their lives” and its more traditional counterpoint “if you’re not telling people how to live yogically off the mat, then you are not teaching the art of yoga”. Active language and commands were seen as an imposition; taking the seat of the teacher was unconscionably presumptuous. Now active language is more accepted, and the responsibility of the teacher encompasses and extends to the body and its health and safety. Or, conversely, the physical exploration is subjective and exploratory on the part of the student but lifestyle decisions are mandated. It’s like you have to choose, as a teacher and practitioner, where the “you have to” energy is going to go, and then once you put it there you run out of gas.

So since the Occupy Movements have been getting traction globally and therefore in the yoga community, little fits and starts of political awakening seem to be jumping like popcorn in the field of practitioners of all styles and levels, from the hardcore hemp-clad unreconstructed hippie activists to the sleek corporate donation projects. And the template of these popcorn-awakenings invariably follow the same rough shape:

“Sure, I love hearing about the environment/animals/poor people/brown people far away/anti-war measures/anti-gun measures/[insert fave issue here], but encouraging activism on [insert non-fave issue here: unions, feminism, voting, protests, revolutions, riots] is A BRIDGE TOO FAR, I tell you.” and then there’s usually a sidebar of why the non-fave issue is not yogic to address: it’s too partisan, it includes violence and violence is terrible, I knew a guy who knew a guy who sat around on his couch on welfare, I studied it in uni and those people were jerks, I needed to clear my own karma, etc. It reminds me of nothing more than students who would show up and do every advanced forward bend under the sun, including the most shin-mangling Janu III variations, and Lotusses all up in their grill, and a million vinyasae, and then refuse to try Handstand Prep.

Those were the days, eh?

Apart from my native fascination with political theory, bred into the bone by many late nights ranting with my dad, I found myself trying to address social and political problems through individual practice: that is, expunging the suffering caused by larger movements of human beings through meditation and asana practice. This method has a long and glorious tradition, that’s where we get stuff like “Occupy Yourself” and such cleverisms, and I buy its logic to the extent that in order to participate in any relationship including/especially groups, you’ve got to keep your individual energetic slate really clean, and that’s usually hard to do, so go to work.

However, I’ve since come to see a lack of practical effort on the part of the yogi when it comes to larger groups, including political groups, but also the organizations that arise from yoga and its business models [studios, styles, co-teaching, etc.] It’s like we can apply the model of practice to ourselves alone, and maybe our friends or beloved, and we can apply it to the whole world, but on the scale of groups, parties and companies, and countries, we can’t seem to effectively analyze or process that behaviour. We just give up. It gets complicated, and while we might critically read scriptural material, we won’t apply the same critical eye to e.g. the newspaper or political blogs. Which is funny, because as Shelley said so beautifully over the weekend, you cannot avoid politics: all of your choices from purchasing power to relationship interaction is political: and pretending that it is not is like avoiding the pain in your body for the glory of a pose. You are embodied as an individual, and we are embodied together. We are social animals, and as we see patterns in nature and on the scale of our individual experience, those patterns also repeat themselves in social, cultural and political movement.

Conveniently [and intimidatingly] there is a HUGE BODY of scholarship and endeavour on this subject. This tends to make people exhausted or inspire distaste, but it need not. It’s a big ocean of study and awareness just like yoga is a big ocean of study and awareness, and I maintain that it is a misalignment to try to treat collective malaise on the level of the individual: particularly if the individual in question is oppressed, dispossessed or otherwise unprivileged. What you’re basically saying, if you say “Occupy Yourself” to a marginalized person, is “You are not only bound to work off the karma of your own birth in this marginalized form, but now you have to work off *mine*, because as a privileged person I don’t want to soil my beautiful mind by learning about activism or standing for any political vantage point, even temporarily, even if I find out I’ve been wrong and have to back down. My ego will not stand for that, so good luck”.

And the bugaboo of physical violence and death is where most peoples’ wheels come off the political cart because generally speaking we’d like to avoid suffering in this life, certainly not cause any more than is the bare minimum of our clutzy efforts to live and die as best we can. Oddly, though, this reticence on our part to cause violence allows the status quo all around the world to continue a death-in-life of those suffering not because we all must suffer, get ill and die: but because particular humans, corporations and governments have a vested interest in making sure that huge tracts of humanity remain placid, that they remain “peaceful”, that they remain silent, and yoga and meditation keeps us peaceful and silent, recoiling from violence with wrinkled noses: and so nothing changes. Which is doubly weird because we appear to be pretty attached to these bodies for people who “know” that they are just temporary. How much of this global suffering occurring today is part of the human experience, and how much of it is inertia on our part?

Okay. Wow. That’s maybe more heat than light, there. Thinking about generating change on the scale that I’d really like to quickly makes me tired, and then sad, so then I know I’ve gotten a bit too feisty and sjeisty. I benefit from privilege in so many ways that just enumerating them can make me very heavy, and I’m not too interested anymore in running the Suffering Simulator 2000 [NOW with Going Viral On Your Own Culture Update v5.01!] because that didn’t really seem to make anything better for anybody. However, I will continue to study, observe, and educate myself on these subjects because they are at the *correct scale* for so much of our global suffering. They are at the scale of humanity as a social animal, and as awkward and limited as many of the devices are [democracy, activism, etc] their technology will only improve by courageously facing them and refining them. The more we turn away from the history of political awareness in this country and continent [and have the privilege of pretending that this embodiment is a solo project, cf. my FURY at this Lululemon-John-Galt business, gaaaaaaah], the more we let the efforts of those who put thousands of man- and woman-hours into making sure we can have access even to these clutzy, awkward technologies to waste. Our romantic soft-focus pics of e.g. MLK avoid examining the relentless rhetorical and bureaucratic pursuit of the mechanics of his vision: how many meetings you think that guy went to? How many times was his issue moved down the agenda, or his staff backstabbed him over a tiny little doctrinal difference? He’s a hero because he did that work, people. The social contract has been dissolving and sadly the turning inward of the yoga student has not addressed that dissolution, as we feel uncomfortable even having conversations with those who disagree, and even after hundreds…thousands…of hours on the mat and on the cushion cannot even sufficiently regulate our emotional responses [see above!] to safely have a political conversation.

I don’t want anybody to agree with me on the specifics, as that would defeat the purpose of the inquiry, but I am a bit frustrated by not being able to talk about it, dig? I know it’s deeply personal and upsetting, but theoretically as yogis we are practicing not letting our reactions sully what would otherwise bring revelation and light. When people say “But what are we going to DO about it?” I always think well shoot, we can’t even TALK about it so there’s no way we can DO anything. And if you feel like you’ve already done your time in the trenches, or your focus is going somewhere else, believe me I get it [I have twins, remember?] there’s no need to take it personally: if this post is not about you it’s not about you: it is a lens through which we see each other and way to expand and continue our work. If nothing more than a focus for your attention similar to the breath or a pose or a mantra or yantra, concentrate, listen and learn. Then practice letting it go. Making talking about politics “unspiritual” or “impolite” allows misinformation to proliferate and prevents like-hearted souls from gathering. Yes, it is reactive in nature but so is a long hold Baddha Parsva Konasana or lying on a bed of nails: to what end are you avoiding the reaction? Transcendence, or inertia?

Weeks 3 and 4: Is This As Boring As It Seems

Utthita Trikonasana, Utthita Parsvakonasana, Virabhadrasana I and II, Parvritta Trikonasana, Parsvottanasana, Prasarita Padottanasana I, Salamba Sarvangasana I, Halasana, Savasana

Is this boring? Is it as boring as it sometimes seems? I can’t believe how much I would NOT have wanted to do this even a year ago and how rad it has turned out to be, is why. I have boundary issues with this, like I’m always trying to teach My Old Self from my early twenties, when in fact I occupied a very specific and not altogether savoury energetic and intellectual space at that time that I expect only a small minority of students currently occupy.

No vinyasas, no variations, no linking poses together. If I’m not interrupted by twin related mayhem [which has really ceased to be an interruption and more of a natural extension of the work itself], just jumping legs wide and together [itself a bit of a sore spot for me, since I've always found jumping to be jubbly and undignified] and moving on to the next one. At some point in these two weeks practicing the poses above I realized something very significant was happening inside which was the opposite of boring. Parvritta Trikonasana in particular appears to be functioning at this stage as scoliosis therapy, and as one has nothing more exciting to draw one’s attention away from small asymetries, they take on their own fascination. The anatomical specificity of Weeks 1 and 2 continues, only now with like pop-ups attached, like they’re links on blogs:

…vastus lateralis + gluteus medius [popup: lateral proximal part of foot]…

&c.

Breastfeeding has made Salabasana impossible but I’ve got it waiting in the wings.

Weeks 5 & 6: O HAI ABDOMINABLES

Utthita Trikonasana, Utthita Parsvakonasana, Virabhadrasana I and II, Parvritta Trikonasana, Parsvottanasana, Prasarita Padottanasana I, Urdhva Prasarita Padottanasana, Paripurna Navasana, Ardha Navasana, Salamba Sarvangasana I, Halasana, Ujjayi Pranayam for 5 minutes in Savasana

Well well, abdominal exercises, we meet again [sound of old westerns when the villain and the hero step out into the town square and stare each other down, wide legged and ready to draw] Actually, now would be as good as time as any to out myself as having been practicing Pilates out of my old Brooke Siler book I got in the aughts in the Puerto Rico Borders and busted up my back something fierce practicing something I didn’t understand, put away and never took out again…UNTIL NOW. I don’t think I’m ready to start talking about that yet, but for now:

You know, I’ve had so many amazing teachers. And several of them did not reveal their full amazingness until they were actually out of my life, whereupon I would have given a great deal to take back brattiness and resistance and be able to be in the presence of their offerings again. One of the key aspects of resistance for me was being asked to do various movements or actions that just straight up didn’t feel good under the auspices of good alignment. Aligned it may be, said I at the time, but it feels terrible.

It has occurred to me in the aftermath of birth and this new painstaking rebuilding process that perhaps they, those unfairly maligned teachers, were teaching me *in the future*…meaning, what they saw in the distance between where my body was at that time and where they wanted me to be actually required the trauma of birth and the shift of a few years to become relevant. “Relevance” is the operating concept in this bit, because I’m really thinking that’s why instructing alignment can be such a turnoff for people.

“]”]If you’ve ever painted, let’s say watercolours, you know that there is a very specific order to the way you construct a landscape scene in order to not smear your stronger foreground colours all over the place when you go to, say, lay in a wash of watery blue sky. You start with the biggest, lightest, wateriest component of the scene first, often letting it dry and stretch out before proceeding with the detail in the foreground. In some cases you might even render e.g. the skeletons of leafless trees with a technical pen on dried washes of previously painted sky and the contrast of the dark detail with the big swaths of watery colour is quite enticing. Trying to teach the specificity of alignment in such a way that it would actually *change a human’s self-perception*, the realignment of the deepest places, without the context of the background is like an art-fan or fellow painter coming up to you while your sky-wash is in progress and saying “Where are your trees? You have to put the trees in. Here, let me help you” or, maybe an even better way to approach this already belaboured metaphor, blowing by and washing off your sky to put the trees in for you, then leaving you to re-do it. It’s not *relevant* to what you’re working on, is my point. The creative work is already in process and no amount of correctitude is going to stop its creation and substitute it with another.

I feel like a very technical class takes the canvases of the body off the walls and starts picking at them with a nagging fingernail to peel the beauty off. And of course the joke is on the pick-er, here, because we know there’s nothing underneath! So it’s critically important to be conscious of the whole creative work of the body at the time you are seeing it, because it is developing in stages like film in a darkroom.

Most of what now feels good is the exact opposite of what used to feel good, and invariably it involves the sorts of adjustments, advice and corrections I have received that in the past I had literally no use for. This is embarrassing, facepalmingly hard for me, and also mysterious, like those well-meaning teachers and assistants had somehow seen my future before I did. If any sort of wisdom can be extracted from my embarassment and confusion it is: for students, take what serves but try to keep everything you receive in your back pocket somewhere because it may prove helpful in the future like a Swiss Army knife: for teachers, appreciate the art, for it is a snapshot-sketch of life that might never be seen again.

This is outing myself even further, but what the hell: I’ve never really felt I *had* to practice alignment. I was in various forms of discomfort, all of which felt pretty much under my control, either physical or energetic, and I could basically dial them up or down at will. If I got a little zany, some repeated stuff would come up, and I’d feel it happen and sort of stupidly decide in any given moment to go into the repeated stuff or dodge it, usually go into it, and then deal with the aftermath in my own perverse way. And the alignment certainly helped with some discomfort, and it made my poses improve, and it gave me some stuff to think about. It helped me start to see things in other bodies and see more within. But I never really HAD to think about it if I didn’t want to. I could do a crappy pose and the worse thing that would happen is I might have to crack my SI joint like a knuckle and all would be well.

Not so post-partum, which has removed pretty much all the spontaneous joy from yoga for me. It no longer feels good and free to

move. Which is cool because Mr Iyengar has made it clear that he doesn’t want me to feel good OR free, he just wants me to work hard and take care of business. So, henceforth he and I are in agreement: I picture him berating me and whacking me across the

How many hours have I spent in front of this thing?

flank with a stick. The consequence of not moving intelligently is devastating pain that lasts for days and could previously only be alleviated either by not doing any sort of movement endeavour [which was making me big and slow] or bodywork [which, while delightful, was starting to be a bit of a cash-flow issue] so I suppose I have my own internal stick with which to whack myself. Again, I’ve never felt anything like this before: such a joyless squashing of the creativity I had come to associate with the practice: but after like the 50th time I assed myself up pretending things were OK I finally, reluctantly, learned.

The practice above is not any practice that I would either sequence for my students or come up with for my home practice. In fact, it used to look so Goddamn tedious I didn’t take it seriously on any level whatsoever. In the last two weeks it has come to be as comfortable and healing as one of those old Epsom salt footbaths in your Grandma’s bathroom.. I read the accompanying material and terse and sometimes elliptical alignment instructions [for example, M and I had to Google what was intended by "firm loins"]. I read the therapeutic applications, and marvel at the difference between what Mr Iyengar thinks these poses are good for and what my other teachers have said they were good for, and how they felt to me. Then I do the pose for the recommended amount of breaths/time, and let it go. I’ve only had to miss two days due to flu in the last two weeks. That’s not bad with twins. [Mr Iyengar was silent on the calibre of a seeker with twins.]

My notes: Vrksasana is great for improving blood flow and fat/fluid removal from post-partum inner thighs. The innervation seems stronger there now, even though it’s pretty painful in a skin-tightening sort of way when you’re in it [i.e. not joint or muscle pain, just that irritating asana pain about which nothing can be done]. It’s nice to practice Vira I again, it’s always so nostalgic, and is a nice stretch for the lateral gastrocnemius and soleus provided the heel is correctly rooted. A five-minute shoulderstand is really an ass-kicker. I am not yet strong enough to do it for the full time every time but luckily [?] it repeats for what looks like several more weeks. I did enjoy his aside about how Shoulderstand is the “mother” now that I’m a mother: taking care of all the systems, keeping the household/body in tandem and smooth working order. It’s SOMEWHAT less misogynist than his other asides.

But what’s been especially rad about this first small foray on a multi-year endeavour is that, due to the specificity of the work and the pain of misaligning, my whole body is lighting up like the Anatomy Colouring Book, and each practice colours in a bit more. At some point in e.g. Trikonasana, I will be doing my level best to firm my loins &c., and across my consciousness will float:

“…left side quadratus femoris…”

or

“…top fibres of right oblique…”

and the electricity of my studies colours in the fibres of the newly contracting muscle in e.g. bright blue [it's usually blue]. The names are always in italic, bold Garamond, and they always have those little ellipses around them.

Now, I’m not an anatomy pro; I’m not a doctor, although I do play one on TV. Assisting Chris got my head in the game and I’ve been doing my best ever since. This is a new level of synthesis, of study/awareness/sensation/ healing. It’s pretty awesome. The pain has given me one of those packs of rainbow-coloured felt-tip markers, and as long as I don’t quit, I’ll just keep filling everything in.

This series is a takeaway from Shelley Tomczyk, who spoke so highly and devotedly of a text I’ve always had little to no time for: BKS Iyengar’s tendentious classic Light on Yoga, an ubiquitous dusty offering on many yogi’s bookshelves. My copy, after reading the following [parentheses and italics mine]:

“The feeble seekers are those who lack enthusiasm, criticise their teachers [d'oh], are rapacious, inclined to bad action [yipes!], eat much [that'll leave a mark], are in the power of women [SCREW YOU!!], unstable [see above], cowardly, ill, dependent, speak harshly [why I oughtta...], have weak characters, and lack virility [*&!ing patriarchy].”

remained fairly untouched, and only consulted in moments of examination or under duress. He doesn’t like me, I thought to myself, and I don’t like him: by any metric I would have failed him long ago, and frankly I’m not really in the mood to be hit with

Photo courtesy of Still Yoga, stillyoga.com

dowels or verbally abused which is sort of how he rolls so the whole thing left me cold. But Shelley’s copy was dogeared and falling apart, and we did a little exercise using it, and there was something about the stern, no-nonsense fluffless approach that landed a little deeper this time around. The only hands-on experience I had with Iyengar Yoga was a clinic taught at my old yoga stomping grounds, at which time I was a dillentantish Ashtangi with no idea whatsoever what the hell was going on, so needless to say a 3 minute supported headstand had no attraction to me, much less a supine Warrior II held for what seemed to be a cortex-flattening amount of boring time. Whattaya want, I was like 22.

So, and I realize I am outing myself in a big way here and hope you, gentle reader, will help hold me accountable, I am committing to undertaking Iyengar’s 300-week course of study, and am just closing in on the end of week 2. I can already tell this is going to take longer than the 300 weeks; if all goes as expected, the twins will be about 7 when I’m done.

NOTE: Yes, I’m aware that I’d be better served doing this under the tutelage of an Iyengar teacher; but for reasons of funding and time management I’m just going to rely on my many years of practice, however low-grade, and my [koff, koff] thousand hours of study.

w00t w0000t

I also have this bit that I teach, especially to beginners, where I point out that they are just at the start of their journey and there’s no point getting all het up about not executing e.g. Bakasana to their satisfaction on the first attempt because life is long and keep coming to class &c, and Yoda sort of undermines that whole spiel, because if their options are at the point just “do not” i.e. there is no try, then they won’t come back to class again because “do not” is sort of a bummer [unnecessarily harsh and discouraging] and inaccurate besides, because the preparatory actions of a pose are very helpful and therapeutic even if you don’t get your feet off the ground in Bakasana as above, or whatever pose you’re sharpening yourself against…[ellipsis...]

And you know it’s kind of a bummer to try to do something and then not actually be able to do it, viz. certification [see below] because you’re all like, dude, if there’s no “try” then what in the world have I spent the last however-long doing?  I seem to remember some trying.  And some doing not, I suppose.  But mostly TRYING!  And the complex intersecting layers of how much one wants to try vs. how much benefit one might obtain from doing, or not doing, or trying…it’s all a rich tapestry…I explained about the nexus of tattvas, that is, experiential layers of the universe, where concept,will and execution intersect on an absolute level, and that this in fact is the generative power of the universe [icca, jnana and kriya], which appears to effectively demonstrate the UNIVERSE IS MADE OF TRY:  that every cell of your body is pure try:  that without “trying” there is no BEING, much less doing or not doing, and that the synthesis of spiritual endeavour consisted primarily of the essence of Try, in that no result was expected, demanded or desired and yet the path presents itself, over and tedious over again, pursuing Light in the most occluded and cystlike environments, attempting the impossible triple-axel Sight of Light in spaces where no light should by all rights be and simply by virtue of the pure-hearted attempt GENERATING light in this sclerotic places…By gum, trying makes the world go round, three cheers for try, how can this geriatric little Muppet even dare to sully the good name of Try with his tortured syntax and burlap robes, and I became quite aerated about the whole prospect; I even cultivated a slight bloom of rhetorical sweat on my upper lip.  I may also have been changing Hannah at the time, I can’t quite remember.

M said, “He’s referring to telekinesis”.

I thought for a second.

I said, “Oh, well, that’s true then.”

You can't balance what you can't see

My body is already being used in intense devotional service every single moment of every day.  The very cells I occupy are redolent with life’s purpose by way of estrogen, fat and sleep deprivation.  I am making food with my body instead of poses and directly serving those who cannot serve themselves.  I am remembering God as I do so.  So while I can appreciate that you are finding deep significance in e.g. Tibetan throat singing or Scorpion pose, it all seems PROFOUNDLY beside the point at this stage in my development.  *warning – gender essentialism ahead* Sometimes I think dudes came up with yoga cause they were all jealous of how much women’s bodies are in service by nature.  Regardless of their sexuality or procreative decisions, there is still a pulse that is always serving life.  Maybe dudes just wanted to keep themselves busy playing the sacred flute or some such s**t.  So just as the Vipassana gong rang at 4 am and I got up to sit whether I wanted to or not, so Robert’s fussing keeps me in touch with the relentless divine whether I want to or not.  That’s where my discipline is channelled.

Therefore I have run out of steam pursuing the Holy Grail of Certification, and not only steam, money.  The longer this process takes the more expensive it is and therefore only the comfortable or the very ascetic will attain the position without severe debt and stress.  I am fairly comfortable but not enough for additional $500 mentoring programs after already shelling out (mumble) benjamins at this late stage of the game, and I’m not ascetic at all.  Also, my whole thing with Certification was “I wasn’t doing anything more important” and now I am.  So I’m in the penalty box after my last video [submitted 2 weeks before giving birth btw] didn’t pass, and as my year in the dunce corner whiles away the whole thing is becoming ever more baroque and complicated, and costly, and frankly it’s all I can do to make sure everybody’s set up with some stewed pears and organic milled brown rice cereal if ya feels me.

Okay, so.  Anusara may fall away.  Asana may fall away.  Formal seated practice has been wobbly right out of the gate.  I don’t tend towards formal devotional practices, although I admire those who hold them down, as I’ve always associated the representative forms of God to be just that, tokens, the same way Monopoly money is associated with real money and then the way real money is associated with value and worth.  But I still feel God every day, and I actually kind of dig this new iconoclastic by-any-means-necessary practice, where spirit *has to* be tethered to every action.  The only real suffering I have in this new space is that of loneliness; I was craving companionship both through Anusara and through yoga in general and ironically my commitment to the former seems to have further disconnected and splintered me away from the latter.  It’s lonely to have failed, and it’s lonely to be the gelatinous pie-eyed chronic pain sufferer in the back of the room, but hell, at least it’s real.   Also, my babies are cute, which helps a lot.