Let it ride | Heavy Metta

Posted by einajs in Writing, Yoga on 07 16th, 2010 | 5 responses>

BTO has guided me lovingly from the weedy darkness of self-doubt to approaching my 34th birthday with some form of identity intact. I’ve put a post-it note on the bathroom mirror that says “I AM NOT GOING TO QUIT” in Sharpie marker. Now, “quitting” could take a number of different forms so for all practical purposes that post-it note is meaningless, but let’s say for the time being that I’m not going to quit teaching and start there. And yes, it was getting to that point after staring down the bleak barrel of the CTG to the energetic holocaust of Vipassana.

One of the ways I self-diagnose my mental state is how much I connect to music: does it seem like some sort of weird minstrelsy or is it oddly prophetic, hearkening to me down the decades? I know that if I don’t relate to the lyrics that I’ve slipped out of my groove somehow, and I’ve actually been listening to the most sad-bastard crap imaginable [indie lo-fi instrumentals!! wtf], in the hopes that my new pretentions to adulthood and spirituality would be reflected in grownup music.

All I can say at this point is f*** that, the delayed adolescent rock out will continue. It was a nonstop iPhone mix of BTO and Doobie Brothers for 3 days that put my inner state on the road to wellness that neither John Friend nor SN Goenka could. Check it out:

What the people need is a way to make them smile. It ain’t so hard to do if you know how. Gotta get a message, get it on through….Listen to the music.

Sorry, mom

This is a longwinded way of saying I hereby abdicate any feeble pretentions to being a spiritual teacher and will only attempt, within my limited ability, to be a soulful teacher. To paraphrase Tom Robbins, spirit is gassy puffery and the soul connects to the earth and Her waters, which is where I want to be. In the last several months, I’ve revisited the ghastly chasm where I thought, so many times: “If this is what yoga is, I don’t want to do it”. I have no idea if I can continue with Anusara Certification, since I don’t wish to pollute their diligent know-how and purity of intent with my zany shenanigans, and while I do sit for an hour every day I have taken the teachings of Vipassana and mangled them unethically towards the unapologetic light: desire, love, craving, connection, delight, sensation [yes, even the Unspiritual kinds, eat drink and be merry if you know what I mean] and joy. Goenka would probably bitchslap me for creating more karma or sankaras or whatever they’re called, and I’d take the blow with a rueful grin. I’m sorry, I like the world. I love life. If that means I’m stuck here for a few more go-arounds, thank you sir, please may I have another. The aspect of life that causes *me* the most suffering is believing that life is suffering. I don’t even want to try to associate my TRUE nature with the “Y” word if it means all this Judgey McJudgstein bollocks. Clear the beam from thine own eye.

Big Rock Fridays will return when Yoga For The People unveils its fall schedule, I’m so flaky and disorganized I have no idea when that will be. We’re ready, I’m ready, you’re ready, let’s kick some ass. I had a friend who asked me how yoga worked. I have no idea, I just know that it does. Come out and play on Fridays at 4, probably after Labour Dabour Weekend, watch this space for playlists and deets. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta. PS my mom’s in France.

5 Comments »

July 16th, 2010 Mia Says:

Sjanie,
Fascinating post. So full of thought and angst and overall, so full of passion. I obsessively update my blog feeds to see if you’ve written anything new.

Interesting to think of “what yoga is”. In one of your classes you mentioned the idea of discipline and how, through discipline, one can blossom and grow and all that other fun stuff. My question has always been connected to the feeling that discipline allows one to be free, but only in a certain way – I find it can very limiting in terms of how I think of my actions, and how I think of what good actions are. Of course, disciplined practice is a very helpful thing (i.e. going on a regular basis, even just showing up, etc.) but how can I manage to practice a disciplined manner but not end up boxing myself in a certain way that makes me feel like choosing a different path is bad and failing ourselves and evil?

Obviously, this is more of a rhetorical question than anything else, as I don’t expect an answer, but this is what your post made me think of.

July 17th, 2010 Paula Says:

This post reflects my kind of philosophy on the whole life/yoga/reality schtick. Thanks for the courage to come out and say it. Meanwhile, one of my favourite things is to remind myself that it’s way more exciting to be ’spirited’ than ’spiritual’. The former has pizazz and makes my booty want to wiggle, the latter sounds humdrum and principled. On a related note, I’m almost ready to return to Anusara after a long hiatus. I look forward to your teachings. And to the return of BRF.

July 18th, 2010 Sylvia M Says:

BRF, HOORAY!!! Rock out with your block out!

aaaaand…
““If this is what yoga is, I don’t want to do it”.” — yah, like if you’re setting the alarm to get to yoga after 4 hours of sleep, hitting snooze repeatedly, and cursing the self-created, unrealistic expectation of attending classes 5 days a week, “come hell or high water!” There’s a lack of joy in that, and that ain’t right. This summer, I’m supplementing my yoga with Wreck Beach – let the enlightenment commence!

July 26th, 2010 Leanne Says:

You will not quit…and I will not let you. You have always liked to define and now it seems you have defined the box you have put yourself in enough to crawl out of it. ‘Bout damn time.
You think too much…play more. muah!